Honesty

Can I be honest with ya'll? (even if it's only the 1 or 2 of you who actually might read this?)

I've been debating whether or not to post this. I'd be much easier to do a happy post about how much fun we had taking Emma to her first Lampeter fair on Friday night or the fun family night we had tonight watching a movie, but I feel the Lord asking me to share my heart - to be vulnerable and honest about what I'm working through these days. So in obedience, I'm going to write it. If you're looking for a cute post with pictures and happy thoughts, skip this one and I promise to do one of those next time. For now....here's my heart.

I cannot tell you how much I adore my daughter. Literally I often feel like my heart just might explode open and spill joy and adoration everywhere. It's hard for me to believe that my dream of becoming a mother to a beautiful baby girl is a reality! And yet, I have a deep sadness in my heart these days. You see, most (if not all) of the major, well-respected spiritual leaders in our country are in agreement that we are nearing the end times. I've heard everything from 2012 being the end of the world to definitely within the next 50 years to within our lifetime or our children's. I feel 2 main things about this. My first fleshly instinct is fear. I am terrified of pain and torture. It is all to easy for my imagination to jump right to what it might be like or what we will have to go through. Not only what I will have to go through, but my daughter. My sweet, delicate baby girl. It terrifies me. The other feeling I have about end times is a deep, dull sadness that I feel every day. I am so incredibly excited for every part of life and raising my daughter. I can't wait to do her hair and watch her go off to kindergarten for the first time. I want to be excited with her about her first crush and eat ice cream out of the carton together as I help her with breakups. I want to pick out prom dresses, look at colleges, watch her daddy give her away and rejoice with her as she has her own babies. I want to experience it all! There is SO much life I want to live! I find myself almost mourning the loss of these experiences when I think about end times. Scripture calls us to "hasten the day" and be praying for Christ's return and yet I find myself wanting so badly to pray that it wouldn't happen for a long long time. 

Tonight as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I began to realize the only thing that will help me through this "depression." I MUST fall so deeply in love with this man Jesus that all else pales in comparison to His return. I need to know Him in a much more intimate and real way so that His return is something that I do look forward to and want to come quickly. I need a more real faith - a tangible, inquenchable hunger to know Him more and more as my Bridegroom. I've come a long way in my faith but there's so much farther to go. It almost feels impossibly far away - to get to that point. But I can take a baby step and I know that He will meet me there and walk with me the rest of the way because He is GOOD and He is FAITHFUL. 

Isn't it amazing how a little tiny baby who can't even speak yet can teach me so much about my faith?